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i finally think i know how to explain myself...   
08:14pm 07/05/2006
mood: good
Ok.. so heres the deal. ive been trying for SO FUCKING LONG to find a way to explain myself with a few emotions that ive had for a looooong time. and i think ive finally came up with a way to explain it all. so im gonna try right now, my best to lay it out in words. ive always been a pretty decent person to hang out with for the most part i think... and well, i sometimes feel as if people dont want to be around me.. like im a burden, or im just not good enough.. im not sure if thats the right words.. i mean.. just like.... people i dont hang out with allll the time kinda deal. they dont know me to well. i feel like they think they HAVE to hang out with me or something. and i understand why... i mean yeah some of them have done, or do things that they arnt "supposed" to do. and thats just normal for people to do that sorta stuff, but it doesnt make them a bad person... but what im getting at is that im associated with "Getting busted" as it may be worded sometimes. and yeah i know and understand that, and FUCK YEAH it sucks.. A LOT!!! because my moms a really over protective person and it stops me from getting out of this god forsaken house, and having a normal teen life!! she stops me from hanging out with people, because they know that she has a watchful eye, and its not like there scared that THEYLL get caught... its that there scared that ill get busted and then my mother will know WHO it all happened with.... but see, im not dumb i know all of this. and it just sucks so much because i dont want people to think that im just someone that they have to stay away from because of my mother being so protective... i mean, i think im a pretty cool person to hang out with, its just my mother... ive gotten a lot older and more mature. i know how to deal with it now. i love to hang out with everyone. just not all of them understand where im coming from because they dont know me... but im willing to get to know them. and im hoping that there willing to do the same with me. another thing is... MAN does it suck that i feel so much TENSION between some people and myself, some people like to talk shit, and put people down behind there backs, im not the kind of person to stand for that. but because of the tension i keep my mouth shut, cause some people can never accept that there wrong, so i just hold my tongue and act as if i didnt hear there insults. i love how certain people i can totally open up to around, its fucking great. because they understand and there not sitting there saying shit like "oh well, i dont see why u have to be like that" or "why are u so fucking dumb man?!" i hate that... they will sit there and totally understand what im trying to say, and i KNOW there listening i love that. THAT right there everyone, is a friend... whether or not weve gotten in trouble millions of times, and ive gotten completely frusterated with eachother... we still talk. and we still hang out, and we still care about eachother.... and were still really good friends. im just glad some people have stuck in there with me through out the years... jess, u were there when u was a young punkster starting out acting dumb and thinking anarchy was cool. jess u were there when i got busted for.. hell! EVERYTHING and were a young immature little teens trying doing the normal stupid things that all teens do, lol. jess, u were there when i wanted to know things about stuff. jess u were there to back me up when everyone else thought i was just plain fucking dumb. jess u were there for almost everything in the past 3-4 so years, and for that i love u. thanks for being a friend to me, i really appreciate it :) and im sorry to all i didnt write a page long blog about, i still love you. amy, allen, ashley L., jesi C. josh n J mcgauley, shelah, niki, and uhm... hmm, well yeah theress a lot, i just dont feel that comfortable putting them ALL on here because i dont know ALLL of them that well... so ill just leave it at... AND EVERYONE ELSE! lol. that about covers it... i think...
10:16pm 26/12/2005
mood: *sigh*
wow, how is it possible to be so exited one day then before i know it i'm going down hill 10000000 miles per hour, ive tried to compramise with everyone. but it seems that that just makes the problems worse. everything i say and do is complitely turned around. and its hard to hold in my anger when she ones like "ohh stop flipping out stop the drama!!" when im not even doing anything! ill be trying to talk about whatever they're talking about and then someones likes "dude chill out okay just calm down stop freakin out!" and i just dont know what to do but to defend my self and im never rude about it im just like "dude im not doing anything stop telling me to stop doing something that im not even doing" n a regular pitched voice no sarcasm. and i get yelled at, its like wtf!??!? i just cant see what makes people be so mean to me! i cant be happy......for very long anyways....i just...its to much, i fool myself everytime into "oh well maybe life isnt so bad after all" then right after that i go down hill, why cant i just be happy and say that way. thats just to much to ask for or what?? i can see why someone asking for a millino dollars of for there lover to come back from the dead or something being to much to ask, but im just asking for happiness....i guess even thats just to hard to give....*sigh*
"the update"   
05:28pm 12/12/2005
mood: *sigh*
i havent updated for a few days or so. so ive decided to update..... there isnt really much to say though....i am going to this EI program schooling thing out at the career center. im assuming ill start after christmas break. i didnt go to school today on the count of last night was a scream fest, there was more fighting and yelling name calling throwing shit. the usual. and i broke down....once again. its just that no matter what i do or say no one seems to be listening and when they listen they dont even TRY to comprehend it. im so sick of it all, even easy things in life are made difficult because everyone turns it into something harder than it really is! but ehh ohhh well. i just have to keep telling myself that being alone takes time to get used to. my father basically abandoned me long long ago (i only get in contact with him every so often, get gifts for my bday and christmas, and then every other summer or so i get to see him for a few days.) my sister it hell bent on getting a real life (which sorry to say, thats not gonna happen as long as shes here.) my mom has to deal with this daliy stress of all the problems that come with all the other problems my "family" comes with. and i dont have any friends really, i dont get out no out hang out with me, the person that has been my best friend basically for about 8 years or so has just forgotten that i exsist. and i have no other contact with any other human species. besides the fuckin teachers and other students at my school that bitch constantly, which doesnt help any. i just.....hhhhhhhhhuu, im tired of all this shit. i get reminded daily of the fact that my "childhood" is gone and its been long gone for a good while, and i never even realized it until it was to late. i dont even really remember my "childhood" the parts i do remember dont feel real, they feel like....just....like a movie, a dream. and i woke up after it was all over.......i missed out on all the good things in my "life" and now as ive woken up, i have realized that thats all gone and now im suddenly supposed to grow up. which in my opinion i think ive done a pretty good damned good job so far, being that all ive delt with and am expected to be perfectly fine! i dont think i am going to be able to manage life in the near and/or distant future. but yeahhhh, instead of bitching like always, ill just play an online game or some shit, maybe itll get my mind off everything. oh and merry christmas to all who read this (lmao)..............
i hate so much that i dont hate   
04:06pm 28/11/2005
mood: fuck you, everyone everything!
i dont care about anything anymore, people just dont understand, i try but no one thinks i do, i get hurt in everyway constantly, i wouldnt even care if something i care about the most right now just...died or something, i just dont have emmotions anymore, they were beaten out of me....literally...heh. i dont care...i just dont care, i want to die, its not like it would really matter if i did or didnt anyways. ill be glad when i die and people are upset, serves em right, they didnt care when i was there!!! why should they care now???
this world is sick!   
06:42pm 20/11/2005
mood: uhhhggg
my whole household is sick basically. my step dad has been puking for ....i dont know like 3 weeks now, my sister seems to be sick (if not just faking it) my mom isnt really sick but im sure she will be, and jessie (who lives with us) has been sick a lot lately too!! and today doug, my mom, and i went over to dougs parents house to celebrate chrishmas and thanksgiving, cause there leaving for texas tomorrow. and i hadent ate all day, so i get some foo dand afterwards i almost puked, i got all clammy and i went out side were it was nice and cool, then i came inside and i couldnt get warm, so the whole time i was there i slept in my grandma and grandpas bed, with two blankets over mey shivering, then afterwards i got up we opened gifts and we left, i feel better now, but god im fuckin hungry as hell. im scared to eat anything, but ohhhh that cake looks goood lol. i just dont wanna feel like that again, it sucked!! i wanted to just be shot to end the pain and misery....im sure its not over with either.....*groans* *mumbles obscenities*
boooring boooring boooring..!   
06:37pm 18/11/2005
mood: did i take vic...feels like it
today wasnt all that great. its another weekend and i have nothing to do, ONCE AGAIN. but hey, at least i can say i got outta the house last weekend....that was a first for the past...like, 5 months. i dont really get out much, i never really have anyone to go out to do stuff with, and when i do get out, its to school, or to the store with my mom, or sometimes my neighbors house....but...thats just to see if he wants to come over and hang out...which usuall yhe cant or is to buisy with his new friends. but ehh....i guess ill be fine, who needs people to make your life complete??? i mean...it shouldnt really be any different right? when i did hang out with people, i didnt really feel there anyways. i still dont, and without the people to be with, its still the same really.....im alone....still. always have been....always will be, mine as well get used to it......
i seen saw....lol   
03:27am 13/11/2005
mood: ahhh, im tired so in hyper!
i seen saw 2, its was a pretty kick ass movie if i do say so myself. theres some pretty unexpected twists in there, go figure, its saw!!! of coarse twists are gonna be in there, its a thinking movie, those are the kinda movies i like and appreciate. thats like the one thing im good at. thinking into things, like...way into depth. its not always a good thing though, its gets me in trouble at school a lot, the teachers are always gettin pissed off cause they dont have an answer for my questions. but yeah...that kinda got off subject.... oh well its not like i have anything else to say...........sooooo....ill leave it at that.........
how many tears does it take to live?   
08:55pm 04/11/2005
mood: *yawn*
im tired of putting up with everyone elses bullshit. I come home and someone always jumps down my throut. and for the most idiotic reasons. ohh i took a sip of my sisters drink me n jess p. had to pick up for her because shes "sick" and "forgot to get herself food on her way home. so that makes me a dumb bitch.....what happened to my sister????? i miss her, shes gone though...i guess thats something i have to get used to...ill update later, my stepdad just got home from the bar at the bowling alley, and my sisters being a bitch again, so i think i gotta get outta there way, before i get pumbled.....
ok.......uhhhh another boring journal entry   
01:28pm 04/11/2005
mood: for once i feel okay
ummm today (once again,) im not at school. last night was horrible. i got yelled at by my step dad (go figure) for telling him to shut his pie hole, and i was laughing about it to, because i wasnt being serious at all, i was just joking around. everyone else jokes around with him saying "fuck you fucker" and other things way worse, and he doesnt take offence to it...now seriously, dont you think that thats a little on the fucked up side? he started yelling at me and told me that that language was not appropriate and to go to my room........i walked down to the basement towards my room, but then decided i had to make him feel like shit, as much as hes made me go through, i had to completely piss him off. so i went up stairs into the dining room (for those who know whats been going on in my life you will know why this offended doug so badly)and went to him and said you wanna know what the gouge on my arm is from?!?! you really wanna know???!! (by the way he had been asking about it for a day or 2 and still didnt get an answer till then) ITS FROM YOU AND YOUR SICK FUCK FOR A SON!!!! and in the moment he stared at me, got up and started slowly raising his voice until he got to the point were it looked like his neck vain was gonna explode, yelling "my sick fuck for a son!?!?!?!? huh??? huhh???? sick fuck for s son pfhh, sick for for a son, he didnt make you this way, you did it to yourself, this all started out with you!! dont blame this all on him!!!" and then he started pounding and slamming stuff i started crying, he left over to the neighbors (probably getting drunk or some shit) and then jessie P. took me out for a ride let me cry some, and had a talk with me. after i stopped crying my head was pounding really bad, and i was really dizzy, but i started to go numb of emotions, and just got tired. then when we got home doug was in bed (after arguing with my mom and being a cunt ass bastard like usual) and me and my mom were so stressed out we started to go at it, and i ended up going in my room and fell asleep. my mom didnt even bother waking me up for school today, she knew i wouldnt get up to save my life. i went to my psychiatrist for an appointment, and he made me feel so fuckin important i wanted to cry, but i knew better than that. for... since abuot 7th grade people have been telling me that im not trying hard enough im just blaming my problems on everybody else. but dr. abedi told me that he believes im trying as hard as i can, and its hard for me, and hes said he cares about me, and made me feel protected, and safe, and for once in my god damn life i felt like it was all going to be okay. then we left, came home da dada dada. and i have the desicion to either go to some special western school, of be home bound. im really leaning torwards the home bound cause the western place is about a half hour away...i dont want to be that far from my mom incase i have a problem. plus i dont wanna be around people i dont even know. id rather have someone come to my house that i know, and help me 2 hours a week with school work from my school. that way i dont have to go to school, if i were to finish the year out how its going right now, im gonna fail 10th grade, soooo homebound is for the most part the best option...i guess ill see how it goes from there.
ok...so what the fuck?   
01:42pm 28/10/2005
mood: ....
hmmmm i never really have anything good to say on here...probably because i dont see anything good. im not at school today, i was tired and my mom got all pissed off pulling my trying to get me to get up and go to school. but that failed, then my sister came in and started in on me, hahahahahahaha that was probably thee most hypocritical thing ive ever witnessed. she almost didnt graduate last yeah because she missed...like 50 some days! and then she tells me not to do it and commanding me like im her little fucking punching bag or something! no one sees it, no one probably even tries to see it, let alone want to see it! i try i really really do, but its just never good enough for anyone. no one has ever and never will, come up to me and be able to relate to me! my mother fuckin counciler was tell ing me "your not trying hard enough, you keep blaming everybody else for everything. you need to try harder, stop pushing your problems onto other people, take blame for things that are you own actions." i was so fuckin pissed off, i just wanted to beat the living shit outta her! i was trying to explain to her my feelings and everything, and she starts yelling over me and telling me to calm down. yeah like im gonna calm down when shes thinks she knows exactly whats going on in my life. and tells me how i dont try hard enough, she can just go blow a cock for all i care! ohh and actually i was having a decent say!! that hasent happened since....before i can remember. but ha that was ruined, why didnt i see that coming? i wish i didnt have to struggle every little thing i do! breathing is hard, walking is hard, concentrating is hard, everything is hard!!!!!!!!! i know this probably isnt going to be read, but i update just to get my feelings out, incase someone were to read it. When i die, that will be the happiest day of my life. and im sure no one will care.
memegen.net quizzes #2 for tonight   
09:27pm 14/10/2005
mood: .......hmmm
~Halloween~Live Journal Style! by lost_note
you will beA Stripper
The french Maid ishatemehateyou
Batman ispsycho7dee8
The Vampire isbl33dingsorrowz
and of course a big monkey ishateyouhateme
How much candy you will get4
Quiz created with MemeGen!
memegen.net quizzes #1 for tonight   
09:23pm 14/10/2005
mood: indescribable
action='http://memegen.net/viewmeme.pl?meme=1074710373' method='POST'>
Stranded on an Island: LJ Style by lavellebelle
Username<input ... >
The Leaderpsycho7dee8
The Heroinehatemehateyou
The Lonerbl33dingsorrowz
The Psychohatemehateu
The Island Sluthateyouhateme
The Island Pimpbl33dingsorrowz
The Freaky Onehateyouhateme
The Geeky Onehatemehateyou
The Bitchpsycho7dee8
Your Island Lovehatemehateu
Chance of Getting Rescued: 65%
<input ... >
Quiz created with MemeGen!
<input ... ><input ... ></form>
god could my life get any more confusing!.....yeah probably...maybe   
01:55pm 10/10/2005
mood: ???
ok, well i think ive been through enough stress for a life time or two. thats the secound time they WERE gonna get a divorce, but no my mom gets him to hold on a little longer. whats making him do what he hasent ever been able to do, more, and longer gonna make anything better?!!?!? nothing, but cause more stress. so ive finally gotten to the point....AGAIN! were i want to move to washington. but this time...my mom is letting me, im online right now looking for a plane ticket for november 4th 2005. and i have sucessfully acomplished that. my mom has set up some rules, since me leaving with be in about 3 weeks, i have to do what im told and go to school every day (week days only.) but i still gotta talk to my dad about this. and yeah i know i know but heres the whiney part! my mother is making me earn moving in with my dad?? like its earning a object!!?? i mean if she wants me happy then she should just let me go without a whole schpeel. but im going in november and i HAVE TO stay until the school years over at least. but my mom wants me to come back for christmas if possible. haha lol sooooo thats the update in my life. OOHHH i dont think i ever put in here that i have a hamster now, her names chloe. ive had her about 10 days now and im completely in love with her...but unfortunatly i have to leave her here in michigan for my sister to take care of. god fuckin damn i get some thing i love and then i get offered an opportunity, and what do i have to do? i have to choose one. and if coarse i picked the life time opportunity while i have it. but i have consequences???! i have to give up the only pet ive ever got to pick out, name, take care of, and rightfully call MY OWN? i just cant have it all can i.....? well i guess ill see what happens next in my dramatic soap opra life (dramatic voice and music says "we'll return for another episode of days of our lives.")
if any one thinks there life sucks because of stupid teen drama shit, then your fuckin stupid!!   
01:34pm 08/10/2005
mood: drained
it makes me pretty pissed off when people are so upset and hate there lives over stupid shit. oh my b\f cheated on me!! ohhh my friends called me a bitch!! oh im getting an a- poor me poor me!! grow the fuck up cunts, theres things way way worse than that fucking teen drama bullshit. i'm not trying to make anybody feel sorry for me, but god damn my problems are real bad and no one really gives a flyin fuck about it, but then all the over dramatic popular whores cry over a boy!! and they get comforted and hugged and stuff!!???? god i should switch lives with one of those people maybe then they'll see what a tough life is all about!my mom is a miserable mess, my sister is completely emotionally stressed out (same as all my family) and she treats me like im retarded because of it....and me, i just wanna crawl into an unknown hole in space and die, ONCE A FUCKIN GAIN MY LIFE HAS TO BE STARTED OVER, BECAUSE MY FUCKIN STEPFATHER DECIDES TO TAKE A SHIT ON MY MOM SISTER AND I. SO MY MOM IS COMPLETELY HURT, AND IM EVEN MORE HURT BECAUSE SHES HURT, AND MY SISTERS NOT BEING COMFORTING AT ALL!!!!! if someone knows any houses for rent or a good site to find one tell me pleaseee!!!! my family is in desperate need of one, if we cant find one soon my family is gonna move back to the farm on iowa. and if u find any homes or something what were looking for is a minimum of 2 bedrooms, 1 or more baths,probably appliances, pets allowed, and fenced in yard.it has to be some were in the jackson\michigan center michigan area. and it cant be to expensive, we dont have much money. if anyone will look into that id be really greatful.thanks
once again!   
05:46pm 28/09/2005
mood: ......blahh
i dont know if i put on my journal recently or at all (i doubt i did) about this girl that was living with us, well i hated her from the start and then lindsey started to hate her (my sis) and she moved in because she started to be nice to my parents and shit, so they let her move in (when we cant even afford that space whise and money wise) and my sister finally got her to move out because my parents dont hsve the balls to tell her she couldnt stay here any longer. and she all her stuff outta here the other day, and i though "wheew, finally me my sister and mom and doug FINALLY!" but shes here right now having doug fix her cars breaks!!!!! and she just out there havin a blast with my mom and my!!!! dad (doug...sorta)my mom started yelling at me when i told her that i hated jessie (bitch) and we got into it and i started crying saying that "that's my dad the only man in my life that has the choice to be there for me, and shes taking him away from me, i dont want this to happen again!" and my mom smiled and we just sorta ended it at that. but right now doug finally wants the piece of bread i made for him (banana bread) so i gotta go give it to him.
a poem that i founds which completely explains how i feel   
04:22pm 24/09/2005
mood: lifes like a flower, grow&die
Friends Or Not?
by Jackie R. Mannen

It's happening again
This feeling of not wanting to be around you
It's all coming back
You all treat me with no respect
You act like I don't matter
And you only want me when one or the other one of you is gone
I don't like being the object of your jokes
It's not all in good fun when it hurts me the most
I bet you never even wonder why I don't tell you anything
Well, it's because I just don't want you to make it into another joke
I've felt this way before
And all I did was shove it way down inside
It's back now and I don't know how much longer I can take it
I don't want us to stop being friends
But at this rate I am going to have to separate myself from you all
So I can get my life back on track
You don't even act like you care when I'm upset or in a bad mood
So why should I be there for you
You all will never know how I truly feel
That is partly my fault
But can you really blame me
Why would I add fuel to your fire
I just hope you all wake up and realize you are killing me inside
But the sad thing is I know you never will
That's what hurts me the most
You all need to get some sense
And learn how to become a better friend
To someone more than yourselves
Although you probably don't care
Just to let you know
I can't take this anymore
     Read 4 - Post
06:53pm 20/09/2005
mood: confused
The Music Quiz
My earliest memory of music is...the beatles
I'm currently listening to...most everything with guitar (MOST)
My favourite band/group/singer is...the beatles
My mum likes...country, and some classic rock...and tina turner...
My dad likes...classic rock basically, mostly the beatles.
I can't stand...sexual music like r & b and all that non talented bullshit
My favourite song in the world is...for now... i actually like any songs by the beatles or misfits at this point, and some others
Who got you into the music you listen to today?punk rock:sister, classic rock: dad everything else: mostly me.
The first album I ever bought was......that i can remember..probably a spice girls one
The album I bought and wish I hadn't is......uhh i'm not sure
I listen to _________ during sex (fill the blank)..ive never had music on during it, if i were to it would probably be something that fits the mood
I'd like to send __________ (insert band/singer) to the furthest depths of space; never to return...theres a few but the number one person...uhh fat hoe..or joe..or whatever his fatasses name is
Is this the way to Amarillo?what the fuck does texas have to do with this test??
Which musical person would you most like to boff (have sexual intercourse with) ?well i know i wouldnt have a chance with any, but im my "fantasy" it would probably be doyle (paul cafia) from the misfits...but the younger version
**Classic Rock**
Aerosmith or AC/DC?aerosmith
Deep Purple or Def Leppard?never really listened to them
Judas Priest or Status Quo?judas who, whaa?
Mr Big or Xtreme?no clue
If you were in a classic rock band, what would you call the band?brings your ear plug this might sound like shit
The Kills or The Killers?the killers
Favourite indie band.......
Kaiser Chiefs or Futureheads?....
Oasis or Blur?....???? whos cares what bands those are...i know i dont!
If you were in an indie band, what would you call the band?indie, not indian
Rancid or Distillers?rancid, but the distillers kick ass to
Sex Pistols or Ramones?sex pistols were okay, and i dont know much about ramones but id rather go with the ramones
Amphetameanies or Less Than Jake?amph....? less than jakes okay...
Are Blink 182 and Greenday punk?no there not punk rock, if u were to label them blink 182 would be "blink 182", and green day would be "green day" but blink 182 sucks cock, and green days okay
If you were in a punk or ska band, what would you call the band?duche bags for cunts
All my best friends are metal heads... true/false?false
Metallica or Iron Maiden?...both suck monkey nards
Killswitch Engage or Probot?never really listened to either of them
Double bass pedal - not metal without it (true/false)
If you were in a metal band, what would you call the band?rusty (hahaha)
**Popular bands of today**
Lostprophets or Simple Plan?go to hell
Aberfeldy or Feeder??? well obviously im not up to date, are you sure those are bands?????
Bloc Party or The Music?same as above answer
Do you like the Scissor Sisters?as long as there not running with the scissors
If you made it big, would you do an arena tour?if i knew i had talent and people liked me for me (unlike ashley simpson)
Where were you?here let me put it this way, i wasnt even made, nor did i come out my fathers Vass Difference
Cher or Blondie?....chers....weird....and blondie i dont know enough to judge
70's or 80's?...probably 80's...but i would way rather choose 50's
Ozzy or Kurt?ozzy
Kylie Minogue or Elton John?don't know of the first guy, and...im not into elton johns music but i will say, he has talent
Electric Avenue - a real place?yeah whether it be in someones head or on solid ground, who cares!
Angel City or Sun.....sun?...i guess the sun is pretty sometimes
Goldfrapp or Daft Punk?dont sound to familiar
Shapeshifters or Basement Jaxx??
Have you ever owned a beatbox?not that im aware of
If you were an R'n'B artist, what would you call yourself?low life piece of shit
Kanye West or Mario?mario sucks yoshis better!!...oh the rapper...eh they both suck
Will Smith or Lemar?neither
Nelly or Beyonce?or
Estelle or Jamelia?........uhhhhhh..........
Are you gangsta?I HOPE NOT!
NWA or Cypress Hill?neither
Tu-pac or Ice cube?tupacs dead..ice cube gonna melt any ways so who gives a fuck
If you were in a crew, what would you call yo'selves?shoot me before i turn black
Bach or Beethoven?beethoven
Shubert or Shumann?......?
Baroque, Classical, Romanticist or Modern?modern probably
Mahler or Mozart?mozart
If you wrote a symphony, whaty would you call it?the symphony of life which consumes rage
Sellouts?no just
Avril Lavigne or Ashley Simpson?both, because there good candidates to be killed
Mcfly or the Faders?......why don't you put something else, like something i would actually know, so i can bitch about them to
Hanson or Busted?...uhhh i used to looooove hanson....
If you were in the pop industry, how long would you last?until i said something that they didnt thik was "appropriate"
**Your Opinion of Music**
There's nothing better than relaxing to...the beatles
My boyfriend/girlfriend (or ex) forced to me to listen to.......they've never made me do shit
I introduced ___________ (band/singer) to my friendsthe misfits even though i know they won't admitt it. but don't worry guys im used to it
Are you in a band? no
If yes, what is their name and web address?
*Last Words*
Say something about musicmusic is only good when theres passion talent, and meaning to it

     Read 2 - Post
03:58pm 14/09/2005
mood: AHHH!!
my mom is now saying i cant move to washington, what gave her the right to keep me here and make me miserable, i cant stay here im miserable, i hate everything here, she doesnt understand, i want to live with my dad, i want to try and start all over, itll be good for me, even my mom says "only you know whats good for you" and i do know whats good for me. getting out of this town!!!!! i need help my anxiety getting worse and my whole body aches from stress and struggle to breathe, i feel like im suffocating, help me, i gotta get outta here!!!!
yearning sensation   
05:16pm 09/09/2005
mood: im broken, throw me away!
today i had to go to a doctors appointment (psychiatrist app.) and talked to my shrink about what to do about my ocd. he upped some of my meds, and said i need to positive and all this bull shit, i was like "thinking happy and taking happy drugs isnt gonna make me happy, leaving this piece of crap town alone will make me 50% more happier." why cant my mom get this through her head, the only reason the doctors and certain teachers that help me want me here longer is because there trying to trick me into staying here. my mom is trying to suck up and stuff saying "ohhh well what about that hampster u wanted, or we've been trying to make you more comfortable at school and now your just gonna up and leave??" i just cant believe she can care about me so much but insist i stay here and get more miserable! the more she does this the more i want and need to go live with my dad, i mean he likes my style of stuff, infact hes the one who introduced me to my favorite band when i was very young.....ever since i was....i cant remember, and he is just more my style when it comes to living wise and like wise about everything. i just gotta get out of this black hole thats sucking me in further and futher every moment, i need to breathe, be happy, thats all i ask, is it just not important or what?
the 2 C's confusion & chaos   
08:01pm 08/09/2005
mood: moody
well there is a lot of things going on in my life, and there major things as well, ill try to make this story as short as possible so whomever reads this doesnt have to waste there time spending an hour reading this, so here it goes. when i was 1-6 i lived in washington state on whidbey island in oak harbor, and my parents got a divorce, and me my sis and mom moved to iowa on the farm to live with my mothers parents. my mom met a guy that lived in michigan and we moved to jackson and then to michigan center (which is in the same county.) ive been living here for 7 years now and all of those years have been 1 confusion and 2 chaos. if any of u reading this dont know me that well or not at all i have a few mental disorders, bipolar....and the doctor DID say i was ADD but it is ocd (obessive compulsive disorder) and anxiety...which i need to get medicated for that one. but the bipolar disorder has gotten way worse because of the 2 C's and plus stress, and ive been having anxiety attacks, and my ocd has gone outta wack, and ive been getting depressed more and more. so ive finally came up with the solution, and this time im dead serious about this decision. im going to move to washington with my father. but my mom and step dad doug are really having a hard time understanding this, my moms starting to be willing but now that ive told my step dad he has gone mad!! i WILL leave, i just hope to fuckin god i leave on a good note and everyone wont hate me. but i will finish off this school year in washington, and if i decide that i dont like it i will move back, if not then i will plant my life there and finally be happy. i just hope to god this is the start of a happy ending.

if u wanna see a picture of the bridge my dad lives by, and were i grew up as a young child, just go to a search site ex: ask.com and type in deception pass, thats the park a few blocks away from my dads house, its sooooo beautiful there
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